Another
area I have been learning coping and managing. My mother is not a happy old
woman. Quite the opposite. She has developed paranoia’s about all sorts of
things and people. She has not learned to relinquish control in areas where it
is most needed; she has not developed trust; she is becoming bitter and nasty.
Today I could see very clearly the arc of her madness going way back in
behaviors that troubled all the members of her family. She complains so much
that people don’t like to be around her. I alone spend hours and hours with
her, loving and supporting her the best I can. But I have to admit I am looking
forward to getting away!
It's a sad truth observing your mother's unhappiness: alone and emotionally isolated, much of that created by her tough exterior pushing support and love away. You've done your best and for who she is, a remnant of old India with all it's caste and rigid roles, so has she. I'll always carry the image of her, 92 bent-over crippled, in pain, sitting in the kitchen, directing the all-day process of making saag for us. This is how she knows to give and love....with a delicious meal that she offered for our delight and health. Very moving. She's been my teacher/guru, watching her briefly on my way in and out of India, a few days here and there, six months apart. Stroking her old head, loving her, knowing that time is short, knowing that I can only do my best to face my own Event Horizon, with greater effort at being at peace within and without. Your mother is a fighter, fully in the material world, and has chosen not to go quietly....I can barely imagine the worlds of India she has seen and respect her for who she is and you as well for being an incredibly patient and loving daughter....High work for both of you, even tho' it may not seem so at times when you're both frustrated and suffering. Shabash.....
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