TWO THINGS BEFORE I BEGIN:
I'm working a bit backwards, posting things I have already written in my journal and which are still relevant.
I had promised a long while ago to make my posts as personal as my journal entries: to have an audience for my musings, but more importantly, to write as honestly as I can about my inner state to let people know that inner lives can be tumultuous and often difficult for most of us, and to take heart.
#1
Had
a much-needed dead day yesterday: couldn’t get out of bed. It is the same
mysterious illness I had this time last year, with energy levels touching zero.
This morning, too, I tried to take baby steps to put away some clothes but
after just a few minutes I am back again in bed. The body lags while the mind
keeps pace, only if I stay in bed and do a little bit at a time, like work on
the final chapter of Malini Book 1. The end is in sight though I will need to
go once more to the beginning and add in a few things the ending demands.
Another
dream last night, the third, in which I
overshoot my home. I am in a train going towards Chandigarh but fail to
get off at the stage and return once more to Ambala from where I think I will
simply take a taxi back. There is a saint in Ambala that I want to see, but fail
to do so.
I
don’t know what these dreams mean – but the phrase, overshooting my home –
makes me think, in the context of this illness, that it means going beyond the
periphery of my energies? Leaving something essential behind? Or, being free?
As usual, I prefer the latter interpretation: More and more freedom from my
needs that lock me down when I would fly. Specifically: the long lists I am
constantly making to organize my bi-continental life; to stay in control of my
day; to achieve and be productive; to get out there and sell myself and my
books, the last of this list being particularly bothersome though I persist.
There is the launch in Delhi in Oct, I have been invited for the Lit Fest in Kasauli in October, the 50th high school reunion, also in Octover, the New School talk in early December in New York, the talk at the Asian Art
Museum in San Francisco in February, all of which hangs like a weight over my head. To add
to this there is the trip to Hawaii for one of Payson's reunions in January.
If
I don’t stay on top of my list, I feel like I am slipping and sliding into old
age.
Even
writing this list has given me a headache and I must stop here. I marvel at,
and almost envy people who retire and do nothing. But I must not crib. This is
my life. And that is why I must accept my dead days with gratitude.
But I am going for it all, not resisting. Emerson's poem, Give All to Love, has been my guide through much of my life. It is also consistent with Guru Nanak's message to lead a full life:
GIVE ALL TO LOVE:
Give all to love;
Obey thy heart;
Friends, Kindreds, days.
Estate, good fame,
Plans, credit, and the muse;
Nothing refuse.
“Tis a brave master,
Let it have scope,
Follow it utterly
Hope beyond hope.
Something, something.
“tis a god,
Knows its own path,
And the outlets of the sky.
“Tis not for the mean,
It requireth courage stout,
Souls above doubt,
Valor unbending.
Something something.
Leave all for love. (it is about
detachment) and ends
Heartily know,
When half-gods go,
The gods arrive.
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