The
chaos is beginning to curdle into order again, owing, I think, to my allowing
myself to rest. Allowing, even when the mind started to call me names like
‘vegetable,’ and ‘lazy.’ Gently told my mind to make room for my body and to
let it be. Rested all day yesterday, combining rest with being with mom. Lay on
dad’s side of the bed and dozed/rested as she talked. Every once in a while she
would say, are you sleeping? Are you listening? And I would repeat her last
line and she would carry on telling me stories she has told me many, many, many
times before. She needs to talk, to know someone is listening and I need to be
silent and listen, so it works well. In the afternoon she was being negative
and I found myself getting irritated but then realized that she needs to be
negative, that it is healthy for her to expel the noxious fumes inside her,
that she was tired from not being able to nap in the afternoon, and after some
time she settled down. I want to write about NEGATIVITY because expressing it
and being okay with it is new to me.
But
I have laid down limits to my interaction with her. Yesterday when she started
on the whole Blank Blank subject, I just looked her in the eye and said I don’t
want to get into this, okay? I didn’t explain why – I have done so thousands of
times before, and explanations do nothing for her; I didn’t get into it, and
said very calmly and forcefully, I don’t want to go there. She got it, and just
laid off the topic and then even said, I don’t want to go there, either.
No comments:
Post a Comment