I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME WHINE, or SPACE

FEBRUARY 2014

The entry from my journal this morning. I thought it might be of interest because I am generally so positive. There is no getting around the gripe!

This month has begun on a whiny note. After a very busy January, in which I longed for free time, I fall into a depression and sickness as soon as I have it. I don’t know whether I am sick or not, but the lungs feel weaker as does the digestion. The brain, especially, is slow, reluctant, sluggish. It is Sunday, after all, and I should just stay in bed, where I am at this moment, and rest, but I am incapable of resting or feeling restful. Perhaps as the day progresses I will feel motivated enough to begin puttering. Now I can only putter with words, and not very well at that. But I do want to hammer away a bit, to placate my conscience that has wanted to resume this activity. Haven’t blogged, either. As soon as the busy-ness stopped, a host of demons waiting in the wings swooped down upon my soul.

I think part of the problem is that I am not focused on any particular project and haven’t been for a while. I really should give myself some space. Yes, that feels right. Lots of space. Yes, let me sit with it. Sit the whole day with, in, space. Space is peace. 

PAIN

For three days I had all the wisdom drilled out of me by pain. Two root canals in three days, one so powerful I had to resort to hydrocordon many times, and ibuprofen that threw my stomach into a tizzy. I was just a suffering creature with no thought in my head, just fear of the return of the unbearable monster, pain. I can't even imagine what a prolonged period of pain would do to someone -- I would think death would be welcome under such circumstances.

I kept thinking of my comment at the yoga ashram about death is the worst that can happen. I was wrong. Pain is worse. Here was hubris. Never be certain about anything, for you will always be proven wrong. Certainty smacks of ego.

When it passed -- and how wonderful that it passes!; that everything passes!; that even good things, even life passing is a corollary of this passing, passing! -- it made me realize how absence of pain is a joy! I have been exhilarated for the past two days.

Pain was a reminder to remember to be grateful for its absence on a daily basis. It could be a mantra and a prayer of gratitude: Dear Beloved Being, thank you for not giving me pain today. Thank you, thank you time a billion.

SOME MORE EINSTEIN QUOTES, COURTESY PAYSON

More Albert:

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."

"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."

"I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."

"The only real valuable thing is intuition."

"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself." 

IMAGINATION IS MORE POWERFUL THAN KNOWLEDGE. EINSTEIN

This is one of my favorite quotes. I adore Einstein, and the fact that he says this gives me further proof of its truth. All our spiritual beliefs, all mythology, art, are products of it. "It's All for the Best" is part of it.

'IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST' IS GLIB BUT TRUE. OR, OPTIMISM HEALS

How do you know it's all for the best, you may ask. I don't. Sometimes suffering is just suffering. I've been to the dentist this morning for a root canal, and going again in two days for another one. Yikes! But I tell ya, if I didn't believe it was all for the best, the pain would be a hundred times greater! Optimism heals. While you are sitting in the dentist's chair, if you don't relax, don't believe and tell yourself all will be well, you suffer more.

FALLING

The thing about falling is that is happens so spontaneously that you are left marveling at it. It is utterly outside your control. I did have a moment before I stepped on the bridge where I wondered whether I shouldn't be walking on the leaves instead. But Payson was going that way, and I decided to follow him. Well, sometimes it is better to follow your intuition than your husband! But so much kindness came from my fall. A young couple came to help immediately, rubbing me and helping me to wobble to the hall where I was going to do some yoga. The young girl ran to the office and said (Payson told me later) "the Ganesha lady has fallen!" Another man came to give me an adjustment and a healing and a tube of ointment. And my injury has helped to slow me down . . . much needed for a while! It's all for the best.

PROCRASTINATION AND INERTIA

Well, when you haven't done something for a while (like writing a post for this blog) it gets harder to do because you think, well I should have a good excuse, or I should say something brilliant, at least.  I have sort of an excuse and no brilliance to speak of at this time.  When you reach such an impasse, you just have to jump in and do it. Put inertia to work, as it were.

I have been traveling -- Payson and I were up North in Northern California, in Mill Valley and Grass Valley, specifically. It's good to make a trip half way through our stay in the US, and besides, we both had invitations to read/talk at the Shivananda Yoga Farm in Grass Valley, and I had never been there before. The yoga farm was a great setting, an experience of winter that we rarely get at Southern California, and the magnificent sight of bare trees, sort of like their root system made visible; plenty of birds, even deer, and tall white grasses. I loved my two talks there! I got an idea for a book from them, and loved interacting with an audience. Payson showed the several videos he has been working on, Ajanta and Ellora. On our last day there I slipped on a frosty wooden bridge and went for quite a toss, landing on my bad hip, then rolling over and falling thud on my sacrum. I thought I was fine, even did a ton of walking the next day on the 240 acre ranch by the American River, belonging to our friend Libby with whom we were staying at Mill Valley, but ten days later, the body is still in discomfort and finds itself whimpering every once in a while. For the first time in my life I was grateful for some padding on my butt and realized how essential it is not to be bony as you age.