I started turning grey and dyeing my hair while I was still in my thirties not because I really wanted to -- I thought the grey strands framing my face looked rather nice -- but because I let a friend of mine, Anjali, talk me into it. I was in between husbands, and subconsciously thought I would be more attractive if I showed no sign of grey. Who wanted a crone? And once I had begun, I couldn't stop, as all women who dye their hair know -- there is that interim period where one looks like a raccoon. I continued to put the poison in my hair every ten days, which is how long it took for the tell-tale roots to begin to show. I let myself grow grey again after Donald's death -- not with any particular intention -- but because I was grieving too much to think about it. Besides, I had thought I would probably never marry again. But life has its own agendas. Sometime before I met Payson I had started to dye my hair again -- perhaps as a subconscious acknowledgment of my emotional needs and an almost harrowing sense of loneliness. After Payson and I got together, he read an article somewhere about how carcinogenic hair dye is, and wanted me to stop. I did, and it was a measure of my trust of Payson's ability to look beyond appearance that encouraged me. For over a year, perhaps even more, I was a happy raccoon.
To backtrack a bit: before I stopped dying my hair, every time I looked at myself in a mirror, I was very displeased. The words that repeated themselves through me were, who are you kidding? The black was altogether too harsh a color, and the brown didn't feel any better. I thought -- believe it or not! how stupid we humans are -- perhaps blonde would work? But though it was too wild an idea to implement it did tell me that I was looking for something lighter. After my grey had grown out -- I knew, this is it! So much camouflaging to let myself be natural!
Last night I had a dream that at a counter of a beauty shop the mother and daughter team threw some dark powder on my grey hair and turned it back to black. I was so pissed and angry that I shouted at them: I will sue you, bitches!
The attempt to look young is fostered on all modern women in societies that value ephemeral youth....that's been human nature for a long time. We're still deeply conditioned as part of the animal kingdom where youth and mating are a hard-wired imperative. It's only by living the Examined Life that one can step back.
ReplyDeleteYou'll always be my Silver Crested Kamla....with a crown of aging wisdom!